DEFLATED
I feel completely and utterly deflated right now.
I arrived at the airport early for my flight home from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. Almost 2 hours early. And in little airports like these, it takes 10 minutes to check in and get through security.
While it may appear to be a hasty departure, the truth is . . . I’m not sure all of me is ready to put the polishing touches on this chapter of my life. I feel so . . . Unfulfilled. Like a spirit lingering and longing to carry out unfinished business.
I’ve been in Pennsylvania giving my testimony and telling my story. Yesterday culminated two years of cooperation as a primary witness in the murder trial of Bryan Kocis, owner and operator of Cobra Video. SO much has happened and so many things race through my mind that I know I just simply don’t have the organizational or communication skills to even begin to accurately convey what I have been through in all of this.
Often times, I sit back and I wonder what the percentage is of my readers and fans that even have any clue that I’ve toiled with this predicament. Did you know? I know there was plenty online to busy yourself with regarding the trial and all the initial suspicions. I have (almost) always directly avoided making statements about the investigation on my blog.
A recap is necessary. I’ve known that for a very long time now. I put the notion of it on layaway until after the trial becuse I didn’t want my current statements to affect the investigation or trial proceedings. Believe me, this whole thing has been complicated enough without me adding more to the record!
Much like Bryan’s personal home and residence, my world went up in smoke and flames when he was killed. People love to think I had everything to gain and I had the most obvious motive to do this or be involved in this. The truth is, that’s delusional and completely detached from reality. When Bryan was killed, everything in my world crumbled to my feet. All my plans, hopes and aspirations were put on hold until I could get a grip of the situation.
I was stripped of all credibility in the eyes of most people.
I got through it. Mostly with the brace and support of Grant. He was the thread and I was the needle. I have always persevered and in many cases, I’ve done it all on my own. Grant has been the only constant in all of this. While he was instrumental in getting me where I am today – through two companies, a civil suit that lasted a year, launching a mainstream career, and now a murder investigation – it was my resolve and refusal to let the world at large stamp me out.
Why do I feel so deflated? Because for the last 5 years, I’ve been puffing and puffing myself up to get bigger, stronger and better. For the last 5 years, I’ve been bracing myself hard against the world. And it all seems to have culminated now with the passing of my day on the witness stand.
Oh sure, there were a few nice breaks over the last 2 years, but the truth is . . . until I was able to finally get up on that stand and make my statements, this would always be looming.
And now that it’s over, I can finally afford to relieve some of the steam and pressure that has built up inside of me. I can finally, truly and honestly look to the future and know it’s wide open from here.
Lots of damage has been done, however. All those who persecuted me and insisted I had everything to do with Bryan’s death; they will never come forward and admit they were wrong. All those ‘publications’ and web portals that reported on it in the beginning, implementing Grant and me will never correct their assumptions. A couple have even altogether ignored the trial.
One thing all this has finally made me realize is . . . I need to let past be just that. Even though I have everything to look forward to now, I find myself wanting to write and fixate on all that went wrong. Saying “I told you so” doesn’t do anyone any good. If those that were in the wrong can’t take responsibility for it on their own then nothing can be mended and it’s best to just move on.
I do want to share my inside views on what it’s like to be involved in a case like this. I’ll write that now, and share it after the trial. I’ll try my best to keep cynicism out of it, but I guess I’ve always just sort of . . . been this way.
I’ve had a lot of extremely tough breaks. Yet, I’ve been very fortunate in many other ways. In all earnest, I’m growing tiresome of living this extraordinary life. It’s time for me to just settle down and make a little porn. If mainstream is in the cards for me then I’ll rise to the challenge.
But for now, I’m tired. I’m going to get on a plane, go back to San Diego and live in my new home. First thing Sunday morning, I get right now to it. I have have Brent Corrigan’s Big Easy to finalize! But before that, we’ve released Summit Director’s Cut.
It will be onward and upward, as it ever was for me. Even if I caught a few snags on along the way as I ascend.
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I CAN’T GET MY FTP TO WORK ON MY LAPTOP. It drives me nuts! This is why I never blog when I am away! I have to call home and have someone upload my pictures at homebase. I’ll add photos when I get back, I just wanted to get this up before I left PA.
Brent,
I was at the trial this week. On Thurs and Fri. It was an extreme thrill for me to see you.
I was there to show you support and let you know that there are still some that stand by you all the way. When you were brought out of the courtroom for morning break I was about five feet from you. When you exited for lunch I was two feet away. I wanted to shake your hand the first time, but security didnt allow. Second time I just wanted to give you a big hug to let you know I’m standing with you through all this. I’m not sure if you remember seeing me or not…..I was in the extreme back row (on Bryans fathers side of the room) wearing dark blue sweater, tan slacks, bleached blonde hair and glasses. Unfortunately I had to leave just after the afternoon break to get back home for work.
I wanted to talk to you in the worst way, but figured security wouldnt allow that either. As I type this I am sad to know that you’re gone now, but I do wish you all the best with things now and the hopes that you can move on with things despite everything thats happened.
I refused to believe the negatives right from the start as they bashed on you and defended you on many occasssions. I sincerely hope we sometime can talk/chat as I would really like to be your friend and be here if you ever need to chat. I hope you have a very safe flight back and am sorry we couldnt meet, but just know it was a real thrill for me to even be near you at all.
I’ve thought about what you’ve been doing these last few hours after things wrapped up for the weekend and hope you’re doing ok and tried to put myself in your shoes as to just how you must be feeling about now.
Thoughts went through my head quite a bit last night and my mind was not really on my work. The same thoughts cross through my head tonight as you head back home.
I really hope we can talk together sometime. In response to the question you posted in the blog………yes you do have one fan (and hopefully a friend) that was thinking of what you must be going through during all of this.
I prayed for you last night as I turned in for the night…….just wanted you to know this. I’ll be thinking of you for quite some time until the chance to meet you arrives again.
Until then, I sincerely wish you nothing but the best and hope life rewards you with many blessings that you by far certainly deserve after all this.
KC
Just good luck to you. With everything.
I hope your past will finally let you go.
Brent, keep!!!! All will be good!!!
Brent–
You were outstanding on the stand yesterday. Nearly every question you answered and been raised in the blogs. You are thoroughly consistent and you have incredible integrity.
Have a safe trip home, relax a bit, and continue to teach the rest of us that adversity can make us all better people for the walk through the wilderness.
Warmest regards,
Rob
Hi!
It’s time to put all of this behind you now. As you mentioned, you have a lot to do and we’re all waiting in excitement for your next projects. I know I’m looking forward to it anyway
Hope you have a safe trip home
-Laila
Then I found your update. You know, I know thats stupid, but I am absolutely a thing as saving money … and I would love some day, maybe in a few years … or many years, to help a little, you know, in production, because I do not think acting ability, I would not dare. But it would also have to learn to speak English and all that and am just starting a course, but for now I do not listen.
Indeed, to hear these sad, makes me like … seeks to be calm, we are not always the worst happens. There are always ups and downs.
We’ll see, I think.
Wow. I just moved back to Wilkes-Barre from Washington DC in time for the trial. It’s been riveting yet very upseting to say the least. I’ve been following the trial/events closely and can’t believe this happened in the neighborhood where I grew up and enjoyed childhood through my college education. I’m glad your testimony is over and got out of town before the weekend. Who knows what Monday will bring. Hope you get to relax a bit now. Thanks for blogging about your experience in Luzerne County Court. This trial is heart breaking. Take care and good luck with your new place and business. Rick
Sleep all day Sunday, thats what Sundays are for! Oh and Mimosa’s!
We are proud of you Brent from the DA to the court watchers to fans and blog followers. You were great on the stand you handled yourself in a way many men my age would have found difficult. You may feel deflated but your testimony was key and central to this case.
Mission accomplished and we can say that and mean it!
We need to get this FTP issue cleared up so you dont have to fight the blog, this should be easy to do not a chore! Still never apologize about missing pix on occasion we wanted to know how You were feeling after this experience.
Welcome Home!
And 5 years later (Feb 2004) you may be feeling Deflated
You should be Elated!
Your a Survivor Brent and if you want to make the next 5 years more sedate…
I think we understand that too!
Brent!
I and all your fans will support you always, always supporting you in everything.
Has determination,not much call for certain things, forget the problems and live life! This will pass and you will have made many achievements and dreams ahead.
Your friend.
Vinicius.
Brent, stay strong. YOU are extraordinary apart from your life and a person of such great value. Hope you have a safe trip home and a chance to enjoy a few deep breaths. Your friend – Kellan
Brent, thousands of people follow this blog and support you, even if they never say a word.
hey brent
i bet it is a relief knowing your part in the trail is over and done with and its in the jurys hands now
hope this means you can move on with your life and try and put all these bad things behind you now as i cannot begin to imagine what you have been through over the last few years
bet its been good to get some of that out of your system both at the trial and a lil on here
until next time
David
Hey Brent,
You sure have been through a lot (I’ve been following it) but it seems to have made you stronger. Hang in there! Looking forward to hearing more about (and seeing!) Brent Corrigan’s Big Easy – when will it be released?
Jon
It’s a little unreal how all of this has played out like a warped Greek tragedy that’s consumed so many mercilessly as it was (and is I suppose still being) played out. A tragic set of circumstances that’s affected so many that I cant help but feel a little sad for everyone whose unfortunately been involved.
I can only imagine how you must have felt and are feeling, with everything that’s been sitting on the horizon slowly approaching for what must have seemed like an eternity. And having it finally culminate with you taking the stand and having to bare everything you’ve been through. So pat yourself on the back for me and say well done.
I guess you might feel a little deflated and a little unsure for a bit, but it’ll pass. For now you might as well enjoy watching the weather roll in and enjoy the new clear horizon.
Oh! Congrats on the new home too :]
Brent, from everything I’ve read, you did an admirable job as a witness. You met your obligations as a side party to this whole mess, and you testified as a proud, confident, articulate young man. I’m choosing to interpret “deflated” as your letting the steam out, as you say, not as “defeated” or in anyway depressed. You can close this horrible part of the last few years and continue on the road you’ve been building.
Which leads me to say–despite the profound and serious things you’ve written here, I just have to comment on how unbelievably HOT you look in those 2 photos! Especially in the second one, with your pecs pressed up tight against the material. Part of what you’ve done since getting away from Cobra is built your body into that of a sexy young man who can forever leave the word “twink” behind him (not that it’s a bad thing–I loved you as a twink!–but you’ve moved into another category, hunky jock).
Your recent pictures here in the blog show a guy who has never looked better in his life, ready to do whatever it takes to build a career and a reputation
Brent,
These are two very good pictures of you. Were they taken at the airport? You look good in whatever fashions your styling! Hugs!
KC
Hey Baby, you are loved and repected by many, never forget that!!
I second the motion in DeWaynes comment, he hits the nail every time
Love ya Gorgeous.
Your Friend,
Don
I don’t have a lot to say except that you are really strong, you’re gonna be alright. And like everyone else said, your fans are and always are going to be on your side.
J-F
Onward and upward!
I like the font you used in the photos.
Hi Brent. Thanks for sharing. I was thinking of you as you were in my neck of the woods. You been through so much. It has been a horror for you for sure. No one should have had to go through some of the things that you did but thank God you have had Grant for support. You were used and abused and I don’t see how people could persecute you the way they did. As this chapter closes hopefully you can find healing. All the best to you.
Peace & Love – Mareczku
~ Dear Brent ~
May you always…
May every day of your life bring you fresh hopes for tomorrow – because HOPE gives all of us our reason for trying.
May each new day bring a feeling of excitement, joy, and a wonderful sense of expectation. Expect the best, and you’ll get it.
May you find peace in simpe things, because those are the ones that will always be there.
May you remember the good times and forget the sorrow and pain, for the good times will remind you of how special your life has been.
May you always feel secure and loved, and know you are the best.
May you experience all the good things in life – the happiness of realizing your dreams, the joy of feeling worthwhile, and the satisfaction of knowing you’ve succeeded.
May you find warmth in others, (me) expressions of love and kindness, smiles that encourage you, and friends who are loyal and honest.
May you realize the importance of patience and accept others for what they are. With understanding and care, you’ll find the good in every heart.
May you have faith in others and the ability to be vulnerable. Open your heart and really share the miracle of those who show care & concern for you.
It is to trust that life is good,
love is powerful,
and your friends… are forever!!!
~ A Fan ~
Brent I would like to add on Alberts behalf that he is really proud of you and he always knew you had this personal fortitude and integrity.
Albert is sick right now he has been down since Wed and really did not feel like getting online.
I hope to see him back on here soon!
Hi Brent!
We are here to support you!
Stay strong…we hope you can leave all this story behind you so soon, and go on, thinking about your future, your work and all your projects!
Take care…
With love,
Monica Patty & Eleonora (from Italy)
hey brent!
just wanted to add my bit. although we don’t know each other and i have nothing to do with the case, i just wanted to say how proud i am of you and what you did and said. respect to you. you’ve got guts and honesty. never lose that, it’s not something everyone has!
as ever yours,
m. x
Heyo Brent,
This queer lady supports you too.
You’re right, it may be near impossible to fully escape the taint of all the malice and nastiness that seems to fuel our sickly modern culture. But in the end, all that really matters is you, and the people who care about you.
Stay strong, like you know you are. I love you.
Catharine
You are as a majestic Eagle flying over us all.
True grit & perserverance you display.
Thank you for you & sharing yourself as you do.
Much Peace & Love
astonishing.
People follow you even in the Court.
It’s not the kind of fame I’d prefere…
Fabio Casadei Turroni
You’re incredibly strong and brave to have weathered this storm. Keep positive. We’ll always be here to support ya!
Dear Brent,
Just a note to say to you I can understand the feeling of deflated… having had arrested many people for horrible crimes and being GAY and my personal life separate from my professional one, I have always said to both those guilty, as well as to a victim-
“The truth will always set you free”.
The truth is now out and YOU are free- I have always felt saddened as I have watched your life and career and have always viewed you as a victim with everything that came from cobra. Today, take a deep breath, as the truth is now known and you are free from the burden and weight that several situations placed you in.
“May the sun be upon your face, the wind at your back- Dont look at where you have been- BUT where your going in your life!”
God Bless- and Best of Luck to you-
Hi Brent,
I can see the worry on your face, you’ve been through so much. I really hope this all clears up soon and you can let this all go, and get back to being a happy, free-spirited young man again.
Relax, be calm, and breathe deep, the road will smooth out soon.
Best wishes from North Orange County
Its Over a Verdict is returned and now we can all move on. Some not without scars.
I will say once again I am proud of you Brent you showed more honor and fortitude than many expected.
Your family should be proud of a son and brother who started this sordid saga a boy and today stands a man who intends to make his mark in this world..
as you ascend your personal peak.