I don’t even know where to even begin this one.

I’ve been becoming more and more sparse on the blog here for a many reasons, and I think it’s time to start addressing some of that. I’ve been so open and honest about everything except here lately, because I’ve been very confused about what to do.

Despite some advancements in the last few months, I’ve been plugging away here for a long time with very little return. I keep hitting road blocks in the mainstream entertainment industry because of my adult past. As I get older and my looks change, I am beginning to hear I’m cute but simply not cute enough to get the roles I want. That, coupled with my adult past has prevented me from getting some big breaks.

I’m still not making any money and my relationship with Grant is growing more and more strained. We can’t get along anymore. We tried shooting together this last week and all we could do was fight about every little thing.

There’s no patching things up. I just feel so much pressure on me, and I’m not feeling much encouragement. I know I have made some mainstream gains and I just put out a big directorial debut, but it’s just not going as I anticipated.

Developing the Member’s Site isn’t working out because there’s way too much to be done. I have my doubts that the return will be as big and worth as I thought.

We’ve been trying to develop a case against Lee Bergeron to get our content and money out of BCO, but we just don’t have the money to fight a whole new legal case. He has all of our money from that endeavor and we just know he’ll use it to protect himself in the suit. We sunk tens of thousands into both companies and still have nothing to show for it all.

This last week was disastrous! The models all showed up and they did a professional job, but I am having a difficult time finding my edge. I’ve lost my spark and interest to keep at this and I can’t figure out how to get it back. We forged ahead to shoot because we already spent the money to fly everyone out. I’ve already been talking to Dink about signing the content over to him and having him pay me for my work as a director and creator. I won’t make much because Dink is already out the cost of what we’ve put into everything. But it should be enough for me to relocate and start something new.

I just can’t handle all the pressure. And I can’t stand being broke all the time. I can’t handle working a day job and trying to blog here and develop the new company. And then with how fickle the fans can be, and since I haven’t been doing much in the last 2 years I don’t think they will resurface when I need them.

And dealing with Grant all the time! After more than 3 years together, spending nearly every waking moment together . . . it’s just become tiresome and I can’t do it any longer. He’s been taking interviews to return to the trucking industry.

My family hasn’t been there much in the past, but I am getting closer and closer with them. My dad and mom are living under the same roof again and they have been trying to get me to come back to Seattle; to go back to school.

A lot of you have urged in the past for me to head back to school. I am starting to seriously consider that. I have always wanted to be an architect but never pursued that because I was so concerned about not being good at math and all the extra work that was involved there. Now, after everything I’ve been through I feel like I can tackle almost any old ordinary thing; especially mathematic concepts.

I just feel like I’m one boy against the industry. No one out there seems very supportive and to be frank, they probably prefer I go away and fade into dust than to see me succeed. I released Summit and hardly anyone cared to write about it. I’m just sad and I feel hopeless. A few industry leaders have even been trying to push me down and keep me there, telling the whole adult world not to endorse or work with me. I think it’s working because I applied to work with a bunch of studios and got no reply. I need the money so I can fix my car and pay my taxes, but no one seemed interested. I’m starting to think my looks are fading and that maybe I am growing out of my attractiveness. Why else would people not want to work with me? I even reduced my scene rate, and still no one expressed interest.

I am so lucky to have all of you, but traffic is falling on the website here. I’ve been so busy spinning my wheels that I can’t post as much. And going through everything with Grant and not being able to talk about it has made my life dull and I’ve lost much of my dimension.

I’m starting to wonder if I am dealing with some psychological imbalances because I just feel so hopeless it’s unreal. I can’t afford to see a psychiatrist. I have very few friends and the ones I do only want to be around me when I have a party at my house or I pay for dinner to see them.

I’ve had it pretty rough and I can’t seem to catch a break. I really tried here. There were so many opportunities and reasons to have left all this behind before, but I think I am finally nearing a point where I can’t ignore the signs any longer.

I am not sure if I will continue to blog when I am gone. I doubt any of it is worth reading.

Consider this my official resignation from the adult world and public life.

I’m just ready to fade into mediocrity and lead a more controlled and normal existence. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet a boy who really likes me for me and we can ride off together in the sunset to spend the rest of our lives together.

I want to thank everyone for everything! Thank you Dink! Thank you Grant – and I’m sorry if you feel like you’ve wasted the last 3 years of your life with me. I’m disabling comments on the blog because I know I can’t handle all the negative assholes out there just lurking and waiting to say “I KNEW YOU WOULD FUCK UP, YOU LOSER!”

I wish I had a positive note to end this on, but I’m drawing blanks. It’s been a wild ride and I love you all. Thank you for being here.

Forever and Always (and for the last time),
Brent Corrigan

Tagged with: Dink Flamingo • Grant Roy

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